Lord Sewel

Lord Sewel, Lord Sewel
You imprudent fool
I heard you took coke with a tart
I won’t knock it (or try it)
It sounds like a diet
Which prob’bly ain’t good for the heart.

I once drank some whisky
With a girl who was frisky
But she didn’t expect any dosh
I’d find it off putting
Sex bills that need footing
And that tingly permanganate wash.

But the moon’s a balloon
And you know, very soon
We will all have forgotten your name
Except for those sellers
Who serve naughty fellas
Drug pushers, and girls on the game.

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WARNING

(To Any Government Department Or Daft Think Tank / Research Buffoon Who Wants To Interfere With The Drinking Habits Of The Elderly).

With apologies to Jenny Joseph.

When I am an old man I shall drink cider
With Calvados chasers to intensify the taste of apple
And I shall spend my pension (or wages) on tequila shots
And fine Bordeaux, and say bollocks to the government
And the Director of the Substance Misuse and Ageing Research Team
At the University of GET A PROPER FUCKING JOB!

When I am old I shall
Visit every distillery in the country using my free bus pass
Guzzling gratis samples until they chuck me out
Whereupon I will seek out the local breweries and vineyards
And do the same, until the purity of spirit in my veins
Is at least seventy per cent proof.

I may start smoking marijuana in those large Rizzlas
Or scoring “E”s and Whizz” from the local youf
Or chase the dragon, or go completely whacko
And once more enjoy the perils of tobacco.

When I am an old man, if I feel lonely
Cold or miserable, or just a little crappy
I may choose to drink myself to death
If that’s what makes me happy!

Nothing is Everything ad

Tax Evadance!

A new poem for any “non-doms” out there. In our family that means anyone who is not my eldest brother Dom, who coincidentally is domiciled overseas on account of him not living in this country, as opposed to those who live here but pretend they don’t.

Tax Evadance

Lord Evelyn Dance of Anywhere,
You’re neither here and rarely there.
Your property portfolio’s healthy,
A house in Mayfair; two in Chelsea.

And overseas you are the owner
Of villas close to Barcelona,
A vineyard somewhere near Bordeaux,
And in Provence a small chateau.

Your yacht is moored in Monaco,
Though truthfully you seldom go,
(For business keeps you here at home),
Despite your wealth and right to roam.

You mix with movers and with shakers,
Invite them to your Highland acres,
For shooting deer and grouse and pheasant.
Your life is tolerably pleasant.

But I don’t envy you one bit,
(As you don’t envy me my wit),
For it must drive you fearful wild,
Not knowing where you’re domiciled.

Your vagueness as to your location,
Minimizes your taxation.
The taxman seems to lack the will to
Ask which house to send your bill to.