(To Any Government Department Or Daft Think Tank / Research Buffoon Who Wants To Interfere With The Drinking Habits Of The Elderly).

With apologies to Jenny Joseph.

When I am an old man I shall drink cider
With Calvados chasers to intensify the taste of apple
And I shall spend my pension (or wages) on tequila shots
And fine Bordeaux, and say bollocks to the government
And the Director of the Substance Misuse and Ageing Research Team
At the University of GET A PROPER FUCKING JOB!

When I am old I shall
Visit every distillery in the country using my free bus pass
Guzzling gratis samples until they chuck me out
Whereupon I will seek out the local breweries and vineyards
And do the same, until the purity of spirit in my veins
Is at least seventy per cent proof.

I may start smoking marijuana in those large Rizzlas
Or scoring “E”s and Whizz” from the local youf
Or chase the dragon, or go completely whacko
And once more enjoy the perils of tobacco.

When I am an old man, if I feel lonely
Cold or miserable, or just a little crappy
I may choose to drink myself to death
If that’s what makes me happy!