Sniff My Date

Moths mating

Dear Channel 4, I’m liking your style
With your popular programming hits
Your Naked Attraction is making me smile
With its dangly and wobbly bits
The tattoos are sexy, the piercings are great
You’re breaking down all the taboos
What a novel contrivance for getting a date
This romantic reality ruse.

But here’s an idea which could be better yet
If it flies you can give me some coins
Get all the contestants to work up a sweat
Whilst wafting the scent from their loins
For pheremones do it for moths and for deer
Like a sexually sweet-smelling bait
If it works (and it will), you can buy me a beer
And we’ll call the show Sniff My Date.

There is a proliferation of naked “reality” shows on TV at the moment, probably because writers and actors are expensive, and viewers are shallow and lazy. Anyway, some of TV’s nonsense has inspired some of mine.

Image by Pezibear

Let’s Talk About Breasts

Let’s talk about breasts, so we won’t get offended

When breastfeeding mothers, as nature intended

Are feeding their babies whilst lunching or shopping

Mammalian feeding for mammals? How shocking!


The formula milk boys would have them all banned

Those mothers who proffer the mammary gland

This natural feeding is denting their coffers

For mother knows breast with her two for one offers.


Carry on mums, breastfeed with impunity

Go nourish your baby: pass on your immunity

And stick up two fingers to those who complain

For mammals who moan about boobs are insane.


The proper response to the sight of a lady

Minding her business whilst nursing her baby

Is to smile at the beauty of motherhood’s gift

And mend, if we can, this unnatural rift.

Breastfeeding woman

Image by Valeria Rodriguez