Here is a job for some kind hearted soul
Home Secretary of Blighty
To keep the Queen’s peace is the principle role
You can do it on Zoom in your nightie.

We welcome diversity, all can apply 
And we don’t really care what your age is
You can lubricate contracts for some of your chums
To give a wee boost to your wages.

You could reinstate hanging for murderous scum
And poets with socialist leanings
Or bring them to heal with some stripes on the bum
To ensure they take heed of your meaning.

A hostile environment’s probably best
To deter folk seeking asylum
It’ll help get the prejudice off of your chest
You’re British and this is your Island.

Then what fun you will have deporting the poor
It’s their fault for being plebeian
You can put ‘em on planes heading west by the score
‘Back’ to the old Caribbean.

If your minions annoy you or dare disobey
Or even just get on your titty
You can shout in their faces “JUST DO AS I SAY
I’M THE BOSS AND THIS AIN’T A COMMITTEE!”

There is one final thing, just a tiny request
And we should have said this at the start
Do you think you’d object if we looked in your chest
Just to check that you don’t have a heart.