Artist Envy

Artists, I hate you all
With your canvas big or small
With your palette and your easel
Brushes made from hair of weasel
I envy you above all folks
And your little arty jokes
(At those who cannot paint for toffee)
With fellow artists over coffee.

What better way to pay for food
Encapsulating in the nude
The essence of the human form
Or stuffy men in uniform
Or landscapes of the highest peaks
Or an abstract scream that speaks
To those of us, who nothing more,
Would love the skills to paint and draw.

Let’s not pretend what is or ain’t
For those who cannot draw or paint
May well have skills of other ilk
Like making cheese from curdled milk
Or brewing beer from hops and barley
Or customising someone’s Harley
But probably should never choose
Careers in permanent tattoos.

So paint away, if paint you must
Express your anger or your lust
Your grief or other sad emotions
Or just do ships that sail the oceans
Or jungle wildlife in situ
Or any topic that may fit you
But keep your subject choice astute
And please refrain from bowls of fruit.


Beware the pure bred xenophobe
His rage is quite frenetic
He might not like it if you probe
His heritage – genetic
His family have been here
Since the melting of the ice
Avoiding nasty foreigners
To keep their bloodline nice.

He hates the bloody Romans
And the Angles and the Jutes
And the Saxons and the Vikings
With their tendency to loot.
He hates the dreaded Normans
Though they bravely took their chance
In truth he isn’t very fond
Of anything from France.

He doesn’t mind the Indians
He wishes they’d come sooner
As he’s partial to their Tarka Dhal
And Vegetable Bhuna
For centuries the xenophobe
Was desperately in need
Of stimulated taste buds
Instead of boiled swede.

He detests the poor old Hugenots
Abhors the bloomin’ Jews
And Somali’s are all pirates
He has seen it on the news
He doesn’t like those aeroplanes
Or ocean going boats
Enabling all these foreigners
To circumvent his moat.

“It’s come to such a sorry state,”
He’s telling all his mates
“I’m thinking about selling up
And moving to the States.”
The irony is lost on him
So let’s not point it out
For reasoning is futile;
Xenophobia’s about.

Beware the pure bred xenophobe
His Mother was a virgin
What madness to have random tribes
Genetically mergin’?

The Word You Were Looking For Is REFUGEE

the word you were looking for
it doesn’t have a synonym
it’s not the same as
(prob’bly economic)
nor the same as
(which can be sardonic)

there’s a picture of a girl
in a pretty spotted dress
she is lying on a beach
and her hair is a mess
where was it taken?
somewhere by the Med
but it doesn’t matter now
for now she is DEAD

just to be clear then
(the clues in the name)
means ‘one who seeks refuge’
from the ravages of war
or persecution
seeking compassion
the cup of human kindness
a peaceful resolution
to a bad situation

you reap what you sow you know
with your immoral polity
waging war remotely
through stupid ‘foreign policy’
so wave after wave of them
fleeing from the fighting
are coming round to your house
don’t be so frightened

and above all else
it might be sporting
if we gave them safe passage
and some accurate reporting

just to be clear again
the girl in the spotted dress
dead on a foreign beach
drowned in the sea
she wasn’t a migrant
she was not an immigrant
she was somebody’s daughter
and a

Feel Free To Use My Organs

When I am dead as dead can be, like Betamax and faxes
Like dinosaurs and dodo birds, like quills and sealing waxes
Feel free to use my organs if they can be of use
But be sure to check my liver; it has suffered some abuse.

My heart was broken only once it may still pump some blood
My brain is entertaining but my memory’s a dud
You’re welcome to my pancreas (whatever that is for)
And likewise my appendix I won’t need it any more.

Although I have no donor card (despising paperwork)
Feel free to take my organs with a scalpel or a dirk
Or if you are a gardener you could use a garden pruner
But only when I’m quite extinct, and not a second sooner.

Feel free to use my corneas to give the gift of sight
My hair could make a lovely wig for going out at night
To make some snazzy moccasins do utilise my skin
But please make absolutely sure that I’m no longer in.

Feel free to use my organs if I am entirely dead
But if there’s any doubt please give me CPR instead.

Beware The Commuter

Beware the commuter who sits on the train
The one with the tickly cough
He may have the plague or some avian flu
That’ll probably carry you off.

Put a bag on his head if he doesn’t object
Though try not to cause a kerfuffle
As he may be contagious when flailing about
For lurgy can spread in a scuffle.

Avoid meeting strangers if ever you can
Though of course this can be quite a fuss
Wear a mask if you have one, and try to avoid
Those people who go on the bus.

Your compulsion to travel shows little concern
For your body’s infection defences
Mixing with people endangers your health
Stay home till you come to your senses.


The University Of Cats

There’s lots of feline research at
The University of Cats
Where students study for degrees
In why it is that cats climb trees
And other fascinating facts
Pertaining to domestic cats.

The University is tall
Sixty storeys all in all
And every year new students come
With vats of wine and kegs of rum
Tins of beans and great ambition
But little thought of good nutrition.

The man in charge, Professor Klutz
(Who some think is completely nuts)
Spends all his time on feline studies
With all his little student buddies
And thus he learned through trial and blunder
A thing of scientific wonder.

He gathered stray unwanted cats
From rubbish tips and empty flats
And from under unkempt hedges
Then shoved them off the window ledges
To watch them plummet to the street
And film them landing on their feet.

From seventh floor to fifty five
The cats would always land alive
And likewise floors from one to three
Resulted in no injury
But storeys four and five and six
And every mezzanine betwixt
To Klutz’s evident surprise
Would cause a falling cat’s demise.

From seventh floor and up, the cat
When falling makes his body flat
Thus slowing his velocity
Preventing an atrocity
This evolutionary feat
Lands him safely on his feet.

This fact, of course, is common knowledge
And needs no dedicated college
But Klutz asserts his method works
Although in truth he likes the perks
And among his daft excuses
He says his work “may have its uses”.

This cruel and heartless research shows
The University should close
Protestors and some angry vets
Now catch the cats in great big nets
But Klutz (his moral compass lacking)
Demands increased financial backing
He’s asked his primary investors
For “stink bombs to disperse protestors”
Not the worst thing he was plannin’
He had requested water cannon.

The means may justify the ends
He likes to entertain his friends
And all the dignitaries he meets
With parties in the penthouse suites
Where student girls in small bikinis
Adorn the pool and drink martinis
Klutz gives them all a generous bursary
The academic checks are cursory.

Please refrain from dropping cats
Out of planes or blocks of flats
And if this was your alma mater
Please share you findings and your data
Professor Klutz is quite insane
Let no more pussies die in vain.



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Toasters Come With Guarantees

Toasters come with guarantees
Life with disappointment
Gout may come with port and cheese
And casual sex with ointment
Wine and whisky in excess
Can make a poor head throb
And zipping flies incautiously
May cause a man to sob
Never eat the yellow snow
It leaves a funny taste
And gormandising you should know
Will just expand your waist
All things in moderation
Enjoy them while you can
Choose wisely your temptation
If it’s subject to a ban
Enjoy your days upon this earth
They may be all you get
So claim your share of love and mirth
Endeavour not to fret
For Death will get you in the end
Whatever’s on your table
Avoid the coffin road my friend
As long as you are able.


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The Snake and His Cook

An Indochinese spitting cobra
Beheaded by a chef in China
Knew well that his life was over
So bit the cook who ran the diner.

Revenge is sweet unlike a lemon
Beheading snakes is awfully rude
Avoid the serpents armed with venom
They should be neither friend nor food.


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Pointless Arachnid

Got bit by a tick, that’s a tick not a lice
In fact there were three; I was bit by them thrice
So I went to see nurse just to keep her abreast
And I whipped off my shirt and I showed her my chest
And yelled, “Nurse will I die?” She said, “Yes given time.
But not here and now, and not of the Lyme.”

I’d give her a pay rise were it mine to give
She saved my life – for yet do I live.
Oh pointless arachnid with my blood inside yer
I bet you now wish you had been born a spider
For I flushed you away as I’ve done by the dozen
A fate I would never impose on your cousin.


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Scottish Midgie Soup

I eat Scottish Midgies
I catch them in a net
I eat them one by one by one
To make the others sweat.

Or sometimes, if I’m in the mood
My mode of midgie slaughter
Is making lovely midgie soup
In a pan of boiling water.

You can eat them fricasseed
Or you can eat them raw
You can eat a trillion
And there’ll be a trillion more.

I’m usually vegetarian
So you may think this at odds
But when it’s midgie season
I can’t resist the little sods.

I eat ‘em ‘cos they’re protein
And I eat ‘em ‘cos they’re free
But mostly I just eat them
‘Cos they do the same to me!


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