Here is a job for some kind hearted soul Home Secretary of Blighty To keep the Queen’s peace is the principle role You can do it on Zoom in your nightie. We welcome diversity, all can apply And we don’t really care what your age is You can lubricate contracts for some of your chums To give a wee boost to your wages. You could reinstate hanging for murderous scum And poets with socialist leanings Or bring them to heal with some stripes on the bum To ensure they take heed of your meaning. A hostile environment’s probably best To deter folk seeking asylum It’ll help get the prejudice off of your chest You’re British and this is your Island. Then what fun you will have deporting the poor It’s their fault for being plebeian You can put ‘em on planes heading west by the score ‘Back’ to the old Caribbean. If your minions annoy you or dare disobey Or even just get on your titty You can shout in their faces “JUST DO AS I SAY I’M THE BOSS AND THIS AIN’T A COMMITTEE!” There is one final thing, just a tiny request And we should have said this at the start Do you think you’d object if we looked in your chest Just to check that you don’t have a heart.