The University Of Cats

There’s lots of feline research at
The University of Cats
Where students study for degrees
In why it is that cats climb trees
And other fascinating facts
Pertaining to domestic cats.

The University is tall
Sixty storeys all in all
And every year new students come
With vats of wine and kegs of rum
Tins of beans and great ambition
But little thought of good nutrition.

The man in charge, Professor Klutz
(Who some think is completely nuts)
Spends all his time on feline studies
With all his little student buddies
And thus he learned through trial and blunder
A thing of scientific wonder.

He gathered stray unwanted cats
From rubbish tips and empty flats
And from under unkempt hedges
Then shoved them off the window ledges
To watch them plummet to the street
And film them landing on their feet.

From seventh floor to fifty five
The cats would always land alive
And likewise floors from one to three
Resulted in no injury
But storeys four and five and six
And every mezzanine betwixt
To Klutz’s evident surprise
Would cause a falling cat’s demise.

From seventh floor and up, the cat
When falling makes his body flat
Thus slowing his velocity
Preventing an atrocity
This evolutionary feat
Lands him safely on his feet.

This fact, of course, is common knowledge
And needs no dedicated college
But Klutz asserts his method works
Although in truth he likes the perks
And among his daft excuses
He says his work “may have its uses”.

This cruel and heartless research shows
The University should close
Protestors and some angry vets
Now catch the cats in great big nets
But Klutz (his moral compass lacking)
Demands increased financial backing
He’s asked his primary investors
For “stink bombs to disperse protestors”
Not the worst thing he was plannin’
He had requested water cannon.

The means may justify the ends
He likes to entertain his friends
And all the dignitaries he meets
With parties in the penthouse suites
Where student girls in small bikinis
Adorn the pool and drink martinis
Klutz gives them all a generous bursary
The academic checks are cursory.

Please refrain from dropping cats
Out of planes or blocks of flats
And if this was your alma mater
Please share you findings and your data
Professor Klutz is quite insane
Let no more pussies die in vain.



Find more comic verse in cards, booklets and CD format at